I’m so over it.
But that’s just how I feel today.
I’m sure tomorrow I’ll feel differently.
And I’m sure I’ll feel a million different ways over the course of the next year.
Today, though, I can afford to feel so over it because I’m feeling good. Today my brain is cooperating and I’m ‘even’ – in terms of my ability to handle life’s combination of little and big disruptions.
Today I can focus and finish my deadlines.
Today I can think of ideas and write them down and follow through.
Today I can help other people. I have enough time and energy to do things for others.
Today I’m good.
But there will be another tomorrow in my life soon when I won’t be so good.
Unless my life is about to take a sudden turn away from its normal routine, there will soon be a day when my brain tells me that today is the day I need to end it.
Because that’s what my brain does.
My brain tells me to kill myself.
My brain tells me that killing myself is what I’m supposed to, what I’m fated to, and that everything is a sign that it’s time.
It’s what I got in this life.
Some people got diabetes. Some got heart disease. Some got cancer.
I got a bad brain.
I know, I know….you know of something I should try. I know.
Well, I’ve probably tried it.
I’ve been around the block and I’ve been dealing with this since I was a kid.
Add to that the fact that I’m a ‘fixer’ by nature. I do something about problems. I take steps. I take action. I take initiative.
Believe me….if it’s medical, I’ve tried it.
And I don’t just mean I’ve dabbled.
I mean I have devoted years to trying everything out there and doing everything in my power to help things work.
I have given everything I’ve tried a good and meaningful try.
If it’s western I’ve tried it. If it’s eastern, I’ve tried it.
Expensive? Tried it. Cheap? Tried it. Free? Tried it.
If it’s holistic, I’ve tried it.
If it’s spiritual, I’ve tried it.
If it’s hokey or trendy or popular or weird, I’ve tried it.
So, what’s my point today?
My point is shut the hell up if you have no personal experience with suicidal thinking.
I made the mistake of reading some comments to the devastated father who wrote so honestly, lovingly and bravely about his daughter who lost her battle with suicide.
And seriously, people need to shut the fuck up.
If you haven’t lived it, your opinion is shit.
I don’t care how enlightened you are, how educated you are or how inspired you are.
Just shut up.
And fuck you.
I know this post is negative.
I’m really sorry about that.
I’m not a negative person.
I’m positive. And hopeful. And productive.
I’m funny and energetic and upbeat about some things.
I work full time. And I have two syndicated properties, a cartoon and a comic strip.
I paint beautiful paintings. And I make lots of really great contributions that help others.
And, in addition to all of the great things I am, I live with a condition – just like most people live with a condition of some sort.
Unfortunately, my condition is the opposite of “life is good” –
But I’m dealing with it.
I’m managing it.
But it needs to be said that someday I might follow through on what my brain tells me to do.
My brain is powerful and inflexible at times and more convincing than the people around me.
And if I do what my brain tells me to do, it won’t be for any other reason than what I was able to do to manage my condition was not enough.
So to the reader who shared a particularly unhelpful comment, fuck you.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
You’re not helpful. And you’re not smart.
You wrote something hurtful to a father in pain. And what you wrote sounded like a dare to people who don’t need to be dared.
Look, sir….I’m not asking you to change who you are.
I’m just asking you to DO NO HARM.
You can do that by keeping your mouth shut and keeping your typing to yourself.
And to the father who wrote the essay, thank you and I am so very, very, very sorry.
Now back to work for me….because although I live with suicidal thinking, that is just part of my day. And it’s not the part that pays the bills.